Note to self...

03:59 Thursday, 28 January 2021

Writing is harder than it used to be. Not that I was ever any good at it, or that it was ever really "easy." It seems to require a set of conditions that seldom obtain anymore. Solitude. Quiet. Something to say.

I know it's even harder to write when I'm angry, and I've been very angry lately.

Anger is a feeling, and feelings pass. One thing I've learned is that it's often wise not to act based on a feeling. Well, when it comes to writing, that seems to take care of itself if I'm angry enough. There's simply too much of everything to get it down; and the awareness that it's going to be as exhausting for the reader as it is for me. So it's seldom productive.

But I'm fortunate in one sense. I've had these sorts of episodes before, and I've learned that the anger isn't because of something "out there," it's all coming from within. That's the truth of "owning your feelings." People and events can't "make" anyone angry, we make ourselves angry in response to those people and events; and if we don't like that, then we have to look within. Or wait for the feeling to pass. But then you miss the opportunity to understand something about yourself.

I'm not sure where I am on that right now. I think I'm mostly just exhausted, and relieved that I'm not feeling so angry. Not that everything's fine, it's not. Neither "out there," nor "in here." I'm still quite reactive, but less so and it seems to pass more quickly. Perhaps when I'm feeling less exhausted, I'll try and figure out what's going on inside.

I'm glad I quit Facebook and deleted my account. I'm pretty sure it's actually deleted this time because PayPal sent me a note that my FB account was disconnected from PayPal. I never knew they were connected! Or, more likely, had forgotten they were. Probably used PayPal to donate some money or something.

Twitter isn't as bad. It's not great, but it's not quite as radioactive. "Followers" are less demanding than "friends." I don't feel obligated to follow people I knew in high school and have seldom seen since, so I don't have to have any awareness of whatever it is they choose to share. Thank God. I miss some of my friends on it, but overall, this is better.

And in this "socially distant" environment, twitter is what often provides the only substantive (Yeah, I know. But some of it is.) social interaction with someone other than my wife, and the passing greetings of neighbors while walking our dogs.

Photography is consuming a lot of my attention, and pension. I don't know, but I suspect that I'm using it as a distraction from current events, social media and the shit-storm that's going on inside. Better than drinking beer, I suppose.

I just bought a drone, a little DJI Mini 2. Kinda scares the hell out of me to fly it, but I'm slowly getting over that. Why did I buy a drone? Well, there's the distraction bit, and that's probably a lot of it. But it's also the fact that we get some very nice sunsets here, and I can't appreciate them. Photos on iOS has a widget that throws up a picture from "this day" some number of years ago that it "thinks" is nice. It's often right. And probably half of them are sunrises or sunsets from when I lived at Belleza. We had two large retention ponds a short walk from my condo that afforded fairly large, unobstructed views of the sky and a fairly distant horizon. Here, I live in tract housing and my horizon is seldom more than a hundred feet away.

So I'll see an orange or a red sky through my office window or our glass front door. I'll grab a camera and step outside and take a picture of the neighbor across the street's house beneath half of a red sky. Boring.

Hence, the drone. I missed a spectacular sunset the other night, because I was out walking Schotzie. I got to see it, but I didn't get back in time to get the drone up to capture it. The transient nature of all phenomena.

So, I've got some ideas. Need to do some re-wiring here in the woodchuck hole to incorporate more images into whatever this thing is. I'll work on that, it'll be a harmless distraction.

So, more pics. Less anger. Hopefully.

The lights are still on. We'll try and make the best of it.

Stay well and thanks for dropping by.